My experience with entheogens, and also with Easy and Luki coincided with the fight for health and life of my husband, whose been suffering from cancer. The first session allowed me to go deep into myself, to feel my body anew. To see that the heart has been a quiet, devoted and patient friend, which - in its secrecy and elegance - waited to be noticed. Without forcing its needs upon anyone, without claiming anything, being simply patient, loving.
Whereas any of my so-called „womanly” behaviour is the result of urges, originating particularly in my womb, my uterus that requires attention. I had the impression, that at one moment the conciliatory dialogue between my heart and my “physical femininity” took place. It was magical, integrating, purifying and strengthening the relationship with myself. However, before I reached the heart, I envisioned the fears which – while looking deeper – turned out to be the self-dummies.
Fear is like an usurpatory king on the veiled throne. It is us giving him power and right to believe, that it rules and is
to be reckoned with. All disappears the moment you stop believing in it. And so it happened. When I saw deformed masks, faces straight from the horror movie, I asked if this was all they could come up with. With the inner intention of going deeper, further, to the essence... with openness and hope that whatever is to happen, is good and safe. Suddenly these fears crushed down, disappeared, seemed childish and not serious.
I noticed that my inner leading self is extremely humorous, witty, and self-confident. I was convinced that my inner wisdom suffice for guidance and protection in life and that its voice sounded familiar. This was this soft, subtle voice speaking during our everyday life, in between words, in presentiments, impulses, and emotions. I wasn’t aware that such strength and wisdom stood behind it. This is all we need to lead a happy and fulfilled life. Simply by following our inner voice.
I saw how much love there was in me. This love is the only strength and causative power. All else just pretends to be such as a result of their weakness. The lauder, the weaker. The power is not hidden in uncompromised courage, scream, proving the strength and confidence to yourself and to others. The power is in the birds’ songs, in the smooth sheet of water, in the rain, in the silence, in a dance... I thought once that showing your feelings meant showing your weakness. Now I know that no letting us to feel only weakens us, it obstructs the flow of our natural power.
I saw how strong I was within and that within me laid the “divinity”. There are so many truths and rules as there are people on the Earth. The social norms are created only to give some structure, to serve as a reference to these who don’t know it yet, because they have forgotten their lives to be the “cat-and-mouse” game.
I recall realizing, that my husband was deadly ill and if I didn’t allow for resetting myself, resetting my whole existing knowledge about who he was, what was the world and himself towards it, he will die, there will be no way of saving him. However he insisted that substances didn’t affect him, he didn’t feel anything, though he really wanted it. From my point of view seeing my beloved in such wretched state, I literally wanted to pass on to him the life energy. I wanted to make a gift of life – not sure if I would be mine or if I was to be a channel, a transmitter. But I felt resistance. He didn’t want to receive it.
At this point I was not ready for broader perspective. I wanted him alive so badly, wanted him to defeat his illness, that most probably I would not acknowledge that my husband, somewhere on the higher level, has already made a decision about his death. And the illness’s presence was – in fact – a gift for me, an expression of his love. He gave it to me to gain strength and accept his leaving with wisdom and understanding.
My second experience with psychedelics became a turning point in the process of “reaching myself”. At first I felt a strong headache as a result of held back energy, then I burst into convulsive sobbing, beautiful one, freeing myself from all tension and obstructions. I realized how much I loved my husband and how sad this love was because of him leaving. Next I started talking, speaking out, expressing what I felt. At first I overcame the barrier of annoying someone by this, that perhaps I shouldn’t take up anybody’s space and absorb the minds of others present at the session. Then I realized, that my need of talking helped in the cleansing process, that nobody’s bothered by this, because I did it for myself and anyone wanting to listen to me would do it at their own will and for themselves also. That giving to myself, I could also give to others.
What physically harmonized with a process of extending yet another one of psychical barrier, was the my arms’ weight. I had a feeling of carrying some terribly heavy burden, a feeling of being overloaded and not wanting to release myself. Within me I saw people from my everyday surroundings, acquaintances, “friends”. I noticed their glances – suspicious, judgmental, unfriendly. My openness and good will most often met with even more reluctance and mistrust. I had an impression that even though I see them, they look only through the perspective of their malevolent worlds. Their unwillingness and bad intentions kept destroying my life energy. I didn’t match their world picture so they adjusted me to it. Too often filthy and low. I began to turn them out of my inner self, which turned into persistent and determined yelling to leave me alone... to simply get the fuck out! I saw how mistaken I was in regards to the most of them. What filth they wanted to cover me with. I have an impression that his process of releasing myself from all these social dependences took quite a long time.
Next I saw “Mrs. Perfection”, reclining on the rattan chair, posing, empty, capricious, criticizing, constantly giving orders. My goodbye to her lasted the longest time. At first she seemed to be in disbelief that I wanted to get rid of her. Kept checking my determination. Walking away she drew along the very long train of her dress, kept stopping, turning around. She was making sure, with disbelief, if she should really leave, after all she’s been so important to me for so many years.
This bondage was so strong and undeniable, until this moment. The process of parting with “Mrs. Perfection” was a test of strength, which I have finally won!
It was an incredibly releasing feeling. Continuously, through the whole time, I was simply feeling physical weight of my legs, but first of all the weight of my arms. My gestures symbolized throwing off some gigantic load which - out of the sense of duty or guilt - I have been putting upon myself. And then I felt that only the freedom could give happiness to us and our close ones. The sacrifice is just as not giving yourself the right to be happy. Others’ “misfortune” is their choice.
We cannot take responsibility for it and help them while forgetting about ourselves. If each one of us would take care of ourselves properly well, then there will be enough concern for all. Without it any activity and readiness to help is only simulation, a smokescreen to not see that we should be the most important for ourselves in the first place. This is the best we can offer the world.
Whomever we are depends on our attitude. We could be a jealousy and look at the world through the eyes, without whose control nothing would have a right to happen. We could be mistrustful, just in case, so we wouldn’t believe that people are good and happy not because of us, but just because. We could also be loving and decide, that all the world needs is love. The most difficult love, not judgmental, unconditionally forgiving, patient and without holding a grunge. At this point, most often, the problem appears, for we demand to be important, approved, and appreciated. The hiccups of ego and grievances about being noticed constantly keeps showing up. The ego wants to be fed. It could be invited to the table and heard. Perhaps this would do. But if the appetite grows, be cautious to not be deceived by appearances. Besides attention, the ego should not demand anything else of us. Ego is also appointed to love. If it loved its host, it should learn to step back and let stronger – meaning love and humility - speak. The courage in dismissing life sacrifices, weaknesses, and also the ego is the vehicle of changes. Let’s not be manipulated by appearances of being parasites’ benefactors. Let’s take care of ourselves, this is our basic and the greatest obligation. Quite a challenge, enough for the whole life!
"Make it last for all of us and love yourself!"
- Byron Katie