Ayahuasca – my awakening
"My journey with Ayahuaska
Prior to participating in the ceremony I did not hesitate. Knowing, that this was the right direction I waited for this day to come.
There had been more and more tension, a self-created pressure. I kept inviting to this “dance” my close ones, serving them doses of stress and anger I had at myself. I kept asking myself: “What was going on?” Why, when KNOWING so much I felt lost, exhausted, full of anxiety... Nearly all of my passions had become blocked, or maybe it was me who had cut myself off of them. And what was I to do with my life? I kept asking myself this question, staying within it all the time. Still, the extreme situations kept appearing in my life, both good ones and the ones, in which I felt to be separated from myself.
I had felt having so much to do, so much to say, having so many beautiful things to share with myself, so many values to bring into my life. But still I’d played the role in a fairytale I’d been programmed for.
The example of Easy and Luki’s relationship shouted at my ear: You can do the same! Get it finally and allow yourself!
But I kept falling for my own fears, convinced that it... will not work.
I had tormented myself playing a game with my partner and my beloved daughter. The scheme of behaviours, of relations kept looping up. And my heart yelled from somewhere within, because it knew this was not true, that I lived in a lie.
I’ve talked myself into believing that I had not loved myself, that I had not deserve, that I had to do, I should had been such and such. I have tormented myself by being someone who I was not. The others have been forced to play their roles in a way, that would have been surely driven me crazy.
It all was shown to me by Ayahuasca and my true Essence. On a journey towards myself.
I was guided through the mass of what I was not, through the whole construction consisting of the controller, the guardian of my creation, who kept perfectly fulfilling his task, programming my mind accordingly to the whole creation of ego. I noticed that every reaction of mine was conditioned by something, that it was not my own. I heard voices from all over the place: you should, you have to, check out what others think, you are being judged now... there was nothing of Myself! The self-set traps everywhere. And then I began feeling nauseated, a disgusting feeling of all coming up to my throat, almost getting out... I got expectorant spasms... and suddenly all stopped, I only spitted out some phlegm.
The mind did not want to let go of anything. I tried to vomit for a few times, feeling like being in some sort of madness. Then Easy was approaching me saying: Let it all out, yeah, let out what you are not. My beloved Easy, she was by my side and I felt the gratitude and mistrust in the same time. Something was telling me that all having to do with this love is a trash, all these rituals, the ceremony. And then I felt nauseated again. I threw up, helping myself with a finger, because I felt some resistance against naming this, which I was vomiting. Later on I was vomiting my controller mostly – it was easier to name it as such.
I felt the support of all guiding the ceremony. I heard people vomiting, I knew we were here for one reason – to embrace the ones, we really Were.
Someone was talking to me from within, I had a narrator, verbalizing my insights within. I was crying out my guilt, tears kept running down my cheeks. I felt that if I will not allow for this “surgery” on myself I crush down, go mad, after all I couldn’t run from myself.
I saw my attachment to the old schemes, I saw how they were difficult to get rid of. Bidding farewell to my old self, I didn’t want to see the true self at the same time. Then I heard that if I would not surrender, it will be a nightmare, that Ayahuasca will not let go and I only prolong my torment. There was nothing to throw up with. I also felt that though being nauseated I began to let it go. And I felt that with every moment of it, giving in to the guidance, I felt better, I opened out, a space was created. My inner voice was leading me towards myself, there was the one last thing to do – looking in my eyes, seeing myself. I then felt fear, I didn’t want to see myself, as there would be something terrible to see. And then I started to feel nausea again, from a distance hearing the voices of Luki, Easy, Kasia, and Antek and their beautiful guidance. Seeing yourself presented a big effort to me. Incredible, but all that I found there was a peace, sheer wonder, unconditional love, care-giving, maternity, surrendering to my beloved man – all the beautiful and loving things were there. And so was Sonia, my daughter, my precious. Everything precisely so wonderful and simple, so simple that should be questioned by mind and replaced with a fear. I saw it.
The simplicity of who I am includes it all, the whole range of possibilities, the whole palette to choose from, to create. It is like nothing and everything simultaneously. It can be freely formed. Deleted records in my mind and a total restart. Suddenly I felt amazement and powerlessness in the same time. So I asked: how am I to create? What do I want to create? And it came to me – what it was to be a woman, a mother, I saw myself in the beautiful space, surrounded by greenery. My eyes were looking at the beautiful ocean sparkling with the Sun, I knew that I had a little baby child, I saw the creation of beautiful things, knotting the macrame cords, making wicker baskets, I felt peace and happiness in being a woman. I felt my man being nearby, doing something he enjoys and taking care of our home, our space. I saw an idyll. Here and now. Tranquility of being and simplicity of happiness.
I kept talking to myself within, preserving it, feeling like reprogramming myself. I love myself, I love myself! I caressed my entire body, cuddling up to my partner laying by my side. Hereby I decide to accept you in all your magnificence. My darling travelling companion. I felt my femininity and readiness for all that was the most beautiful. My breath was deep and open. Now I saw all the people playing their roles in my life, the missions they’ve accomplished in order to show me who I was not, for me to feel, who I really was.
The most important, and the simplest words I heard and felt by my whole self were:
YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING, ALL THE BEST, SIMPLY FOR BEING.”
And this is so simple and beautiful in its simplicity!
And what do I want here, on the Earth, as human? I want what I saw and what I can only think of, joyfully, because I’m able, because I can, because there is a space for it, because our beautiful planet Earth receives us in openness, in love, in the full acceptance, and with the whole bunch of different possibilities! And it awakens us only when we want to give in, only when we DECIDE that it is TIME, HERE and NOW. :)
Everything is a decision, a choice, our choice. What I’ve heard within myself was: If you don’t know what to say or how to react say “I love you”... and relax the way you like, because our well-being is the barometer of our following the truth or not.
And then see, who could use your help. :) All will be the way you decide it to be, the whole world looks the way you want to see it. Experience and have fun!
"Make it last for all of us and love yourself!"
- Byron Katie